The Miss/Mrs./Ms./Whatever Someplace Pageant
From TeeVeePedia, the Internet TV Encyclopedia.
The Miss/Mrs./Ms./Whatever Someplace Pageant is the generic name for the shows once known as "Beauty Pageants", now that this term can no longer be used on television.
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Origin
Before the advent of television and radio, people were bored and did nothing but sit around staring at each other all day. While the men would eventually start slamming into each other at top speed (the origin of modern sports), the women would start talking about each other's clothing, occasionally giving each other prizes for wearing outstanding outfits. Once television was invented, early television networks took advantage of this and began showing programming featuring attractive women in popular outfits of the day. Unsurprisingly, these shows became popular among women and their close male friends.
The Format
While the nomenclature used in the "pageant" format has changed over the years (due to protests by feminists and anti-feminists), the actual stages of the show have remained essentially the same since time immemorial.
Location
Pageants are always held in either Atlantic City or Las Vegas.
Hosts
Pageants are always hosted by Regis Philbin and a former co-host of The View. If Regis Philbin is unavailable on the day of the pageant a suitable replacement (such as John O'Hurley) may be used.
Introduction Of The Competitors
Wearing traditional pageant gowns, contestants strut their way across the stage as best they can while wearing 6-inch heels. As each competitor passes, the hosts say something about the area (city, state, province, country, etc) represented by that contestant. Viewers who memorize all these facts have a good chance of winning on Jeopardy!.
The Dress Competition
The competitors walk across the stage in the most outlandish outfits possible. Judges comment on the contestants "poise" and "grace", using a script originally written in 1952. This part of the show is sponsored by the makers of the dresses (who conveniently are selling cheap, made-in-China knockoffs at the local Wal-Mart) and the local plastic surgeon.
Talent Competition
Essentially the same as the first few weeks of American Idol, except that harsh criticism of the competitors is not allowed, at least to their faces.
Swimwear Competition
Much the same as the dressy part, except with skimpier outfits. This is the only part of the competition that fanboys will voluntarily watch. Note that none of the outfits worn can be used for actual swimming.
Elimination
After the swimwear portion of the show, all the contestants are eliminated except for those representing the more populous areas and those who are related to the pageant's producer.
Interviews
At this point, the remaining contestants are asked how they would solve problems such as hunger in Africa, global warming and the like. Nobody cares about the answers given, as the focus is on how well the competitors can pout. The format is much like that of 2008 Presidential Debates.
The Winner
The host names the four runners-up in order of how many viewers live there, then gives the pageant's top prize to the producer's relative. The prize consists of a scholarship to the University of Phoenix, a funny looking hat called a "tiara", and a job offer from the local TV station to announce "Breaking News" at 11 PM.
Alternative Pageants
In recent years, the scope of pageants has widened, with shows featuring small children and even pets becoming common. The most popular of these is the Cat-Minster show, which is broadcast every April 1st on the Game Show Network
