President Hawkeye Pierce

From TeeVeePedia, the Internet TV Encyclopedia.

President Hawkeye Pierce originally was drafted - er, I mean, nominated - by the Altman Party on a platform of martinis, golf tourneys, and first-rate surgical skills. The platform itself could drop off to one side to reveal any blond (or not quite entirely blond) nurse conveniently showering underneath at the time.

However, upon receipt of the information that Hawkeye - or as he was known to his friends, Donald Sutherland - was from Canada, a suitable replacement had to be found. One was not.

The second President Hawkeye Pierce got the job by smiling and causing simultaneous heart attacks in 7 of the 9-person search committee due to the massive wrinkles that broke out on his face. The last two members were coerced into nominating him by his incessant braying laugh and consistently "not funny but fast" schtick, which seemed to revolve around Woody Allen movies.

Pierce's term of office lasted for a total of 11 years, though he had never actually been re-elected. As his term continued, he insisted upon taking responsibility for more and more aspects of the federal government, especially all speechwriting duties. This made for less government staff and a significant reduction in the defecit, but on the other hand, there was nothing at all funny to be found in the later years of Pierce's presidency. Nothing at all.

Finally, in a last-ditch effort to be rid of the guy, Donald Sutherland's son was employed to defeat terrorists funded by President Pierce who had released a deadly virus, a nuclear bomb, and Elisha Cuthbert on a fearful nation. Pierce was successfully airlifted away from the U.S., I'm told to Korea, a nation that recently was divided into the half run by robots, and the half enslaved by the world's most famous gangsta rapper.

In an unfortunate turn, however, President Pierce managed to make a clone of himself, who was then able to infiltrate an alternate universe known as The West Wing, where under the name of Arnold Schwarzenegger he mounted a bid for the presidency once again. He was narrowly defeated by President Bobby Simone.

But he'll be back. Remember: not funny, but fast.