Balanced diet
From TeeVeePedia, the Internet TV Encyclopedia.
Two major educational groups and several minor ones work tirelessly to fund innumerable public service announcements on TV explaining their wildly varying theories of diet, though all seem to agree that Caffeine is essential to a healthy diet.
Contents |
Announcers and Sports Stars
Group Alpha recommends plentiful servings of hamburgers or other fast food, soda pop, candy, and other fatty foods. The more expensive they are, the better they are for your health.
The four main food groups are:
- Kool-Aid and soda: fortified with sugar and caffeine, this is what keeps you going through the day.
- Twinkies: Undigestible foods help clean out your system while releasing vital sugars into the body.
- Wonderbread: Since it's lighter than air, it will make you even lighter! If not for the fortified sugar added to this bread, it really would float off your table.
- Chocolate: What else? Make sure to get a variety of chocolates for a balanced diet: white, milk, dark, swiss, etc. Chocolate does not have enough caffeine for your daily dietary needs, but it helps.
Model Dieting Theorists
This group works by product placements inside regular television shows, trying to teach their "no food" diet or "starvation salvation" diet by example and suggestion: highly paid models are paid to demonstrate this diet's effects. Claims that models's images are doctored to be impossibly thin have been proven false through really rather ridiculously reliable scientific survey networks (RRRRSSN), who notes "why would anyone digitally alter their images for perfection after they've spent three to four hours in makeup to remove all flaws?" Claims that these "emaciated" models suffer from scurvy and have no energy (that all their energy comes from caffeine) have also been refuted with the statement "Were that true, we'd have made it false already by stuffing models full of vitamin-c and other supplements."
Unification Theory
Some consumers believe that alternating between the two diet trends works best, but Alpha and Beta claim this leads to obesity, and cite fictional "studies" to prove it. They call this "Binge-Purging" or "Swing dieting" to give it a negative spin.
Organic Food Theory
Ignore these people. Their theories will change in five years, anyway.
