2008 Stanley Cup Finals

From TeeVeePedia, the Internet TV Encyclopedia.

The 2008 Stanley Cup Finals were a special edition of Hockey Night in Canada that aired during Sweeps 2008. 2008 Stanley Cup Finals featured a contest between the greatest hockey team of all time, the Detroit Red Wings, and against a group of evolved penguins from Pittsburgh. The two teams engaged in a best-of-7 series, with proceeds going to the "Canadian Fund To Stop Promote Global Warming".

Contents 1 Red Wings Rockin' In The Free World 2 Pittsburgh Sings The Hockey Song 3 New England Basketball Trilogy 4 No Time Left For Detroit 5 Game 1: Just Between You And Auburn Hills 6 Game 2: Pittsburgh Is Sinking 7 Game 3: Red Wings In A Dangerous Time 7.1 If I Had $1,000,000... 7.2 Both Sides, Now 8 Game 4, Act 1: Stern Steals Detroit's Sunshine 9 Game 4, Act 2: Drinking (And Basketball) In L. A. 10 Game 4, Act 3: One Goal 11 Game 5: 4:01 AM 12 Game 6: Ironic 13 Epilogue: Four Strong Wins 14 But What About Global Warming? 15 About the Stanley Cup Trophy

Red Wings Rockin' In The Free World

Still smarting from their defeat in the final round of Major League Baseball - 2006 World Series, the Red Wings attempted to regain their former glory, with the added difficulty of simultaneously competing in the semi-final round of the NBA Finals against the New England Patriots.

The Red Wings play their home hockey games on their famous outdoor rink named "The Joe" in Ypsilanti, Michigan. For basketball, the Wings built a large palace in Auburn Hills, a small town located not too many miles north of Detroit.

Pittsburgh Sings The Hockey Song

The Red Wings' opponents are officially called "Pittsburgh H. C." but are almost universally known by their nickname "The Penguins". The team is led by the young phenom Sidney Crosby, who while working on the Linux computer operating system at his home in Old Brunswick was struck by lightning and transformed into a penguin. In his new form Crosby discovered that he could play hockey almost as well as Gretzky. However, due to discrimination against him (because of his native Canada's love of the polar bear), Crosby was forced to move to Pittsburgh. After a stint working at the penguin house at the Pittsburgh Zoo, Crosby developed a team that he felt could compete with the mighty Red Wings.

Rather than compete at the zoo's crowded penguinaruim, Crosby and his penguin teammates play their home games at "The Igloo", a large igloo shaped like a melon (or possibly a large melon shaped like an igloo).

New England Basketball Trilogy

After their convincing (to some) victory in the Super Bowl, the New England Patriots revived an old rivalry from the 80s and challenged the Detroit Red Wings to a series of basketball games, with the winner to appear in 2008 NBA Finals. While the challenge was seen as foolhardy by many, ESPN analysts quickly made the Patriots the favorite to win, thanks largely to their 3-headed monster center known simply as "The Trio".

To counteract the image of the team's monstrous "Trio", the Patriots play their home games in a large, lovely garden in the middle of Boston. The basketball court there is made entirely of trees recycled from the Boston Tea Party.

No Time Left For Detroit

Due to scheduling conflicts between cable television networks TNT and Versus, the Red Wings were accidentally scheduled to play both hockey and basketball at the same time. Several plans were discussed to take care of the situation including playing a hybrid of the two sports. Eventually, Hockey Night in Canada host Don Cherry stepped in and allowed the Red Wings to borrow his time machine, thus allowing the team to be in two places at the same time.

Game 1: Just Between You And Auburn Hills

Using Coach Cherry's rented TARDIS, the Red Wings arrived at their home ice with plenty of time to warm up and get ready for Game 1. The Penguins weren't quite as ready, having accidentally taken a detour through Hell on the way to Detroit. Terrified by their ordeal, the Penguins offense languished as they were unable to score on Red Wings goalie Ozzy Osbourne. However, the Penguins were able to give out punishing checks all night, leaving the Wings exhausted after their 4-0 victory. After a quick drive to the basketball arena, the Wings went back in time to just before the opening tip against the Patriots. Unrested, they were in no shape to play as New England cruised to a 94-80 victory.

Leading the Stanley Cup finals 1-0 but trailing the NBA semifinals 0-1, it was clear that the Red Wings, despite their raw talent, may not have had enough energy to play both basketball and hockey. Despite this, they scheduled two more games for Memorial Day.

Game 2: Pittsburgh Is Sinking

In a reversal of their Game 1 strategy, the Red Wings arrived at their game against the Patriots first. Well-rested and focused, the Wings cruised to an easy 94-75 victory to even up the semifinals at a game apiece.

The Red Wings then headed to their home ice in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Despite the lack of rest, the Wings won when netminder Osbourne stopped all 22 Sidney Crosby shots, leading them to a 3-0 win and a 2-0 series lead.

Despite the victories, the Red Wings were angry that their history making dual series was being broadcast on fifth-tier digital cable networks TNT and Versus. Management for the three teams involved (Red Wings, Penguins and Patriots) petitioned CBS, Fox, NBC and ABC to broadcast at least one of the games to an audience of more than a few thousand viewers. In addition, TMZ revealed that Osbourne was considering leaving the Red Wings and going out on a solo tour.

Game 3: Red Wings In A Dangerous Time

If I Had $1,000,000...

With viewership of 2008 Stanley Cup Finals low (due to the fact that very few Detroit Red Wings fans, or foes for that matter, could figure out which channel the games were on), a bidding war began for the broadcast rights to the series and to the NBA Finals semifinal series. After an auction on eBay, the CBC won with a bid of $36 Canadian. Unable to transmit the games to most of the United States, they then sold the hockey rights to NBC and the basketball rights to ESPN for $25 American each. CNBC analysts were split as to whether the deal was a good one or not.

Both Sides, Now

With simultaneous games in Boston and Pittsburgh, the Red Wings could not use Don Cherry's TARDIS due to complications with the laws of physics. Instead, the team used the scientific magic of the Large Hadron Collider to literally split each player in two. Detroit's quick, efficient transportation system was then able to quickly send the two Red Wings teams to their destinations.

Although the plan worked, flaws soon became apparent as every Red Wings player ended up with only half of his normal athletic talent. As a result, although the split Red Wings were still able to put up a fierce battle in each game, both the Penguins and the Patriots were able to gain wins on their home court/ice.

Plans were made to split the Red Wings again on the following Saturday morning, however because Hannah Montana was holding a concert in Detroit, the NBA moved the next Red Wings-Patriots game back to Friday. A relieved Red Wings squad headed back home to be reintegrated into their old selves.

Game 4, Act 1: Stern Steals Detroit's Sunshine

Whole once again and ready for action, the Red Wings faced their sternest test at home against the Patriots. "Stern" was indeed the right word, as self-appointed "King of All Media" and NBA Finals commissioner Howard Stern decided to intervene in the series. Stern was jealous of the Red Wings ratings, which (despite most episodes of 2008 Stanley Cup Finals being on 5th tier digital cable) were still higher than anything Stern had received since beginning pirate broadcasts from the Sirius star system in 2006.

Stern ordered officials to call a penalty every time the Red Wings got the ball. Despite the incredible athletic talents of their players, the Red Wings could not overcome the disadvantage and lost to the Pats 89-81. Flush with power and surrounded by half-naked "interns", Stern stated that the Red Wings "will never be allowed to appear on NBA Finals again as long as I am running things". Although the next game in the Detroit-New England showdown was scheduled to air the following Sunday, Stern's statements made it doubtful that the game would ever be played.

A disappointed Detroit team got onto the bus for Pittsburgh for their next showdown against Sidney Crosby and his mutant squad of penguins.

Game 4, Act 2: Drinking (And Basketball) In L. A.

An alarmed New England team realized that if Stern had his way, NBA Finals would never go on the air. Rather than playing out the series, the Patriots quickly made a phone call to ABC wondering if they had any unsold sports-themed pilots they could appear in. Unfortunately, the only pilot show in which a 3-headed ogre would not be considered improbable was the video game themed Lakers vs. Celtics, in which a band of Celtic warriors battle monsters from Loch Ness in medieval England.

Needing to make a quick buck, the Patriots cancelled their remaining games against Detroit and issued a challenge to the Los Angeles Galaxy and their star player David Beckham. The two teams agreed to both appear in Lakers vs. Celtics, which was quickly turned into a 4- to 7-part miniseries.

Game 4, Act 3: One Goal

As the drama around NBA Finals unfolded, the Red Wings and the Penguins prepared to play game 4 of their series. Thanks to the airtime on NBC, a new record rating of 0.5 had been set for hockey, approaching the levels of XFL Football. Despite this, fans of Hockey Night in Canada were upset by the "New NHL" rules that made come-from-behind victory next to impossible. As a result, NHL games gained the nickname "First Goal".

Just 14 seconds into Game 4, Sidney Crosby deked a Red Wings defenseman and put the puck past Ozzy Osbourne into the net. Pittsburgh fans went wild as they assumed the game was over and the series tied at 2 wins each. The overconfident Penguins waddled around their own net for the rest of the game, looking forward to possibly leading the series and perhaps even winning the series. Unfortunately, the Penguins had to play the rest of the game. With Osbourne perfect for the rest of the game and the Red Wings scoring two goals, what was thought to be a tied series instead became a 3-1 Red Wings series lead. The teams took the bus back to Detroit for Game 5 Monday and a possible Red Wings series clinching victory.

Game 5: 4:01 AM

With the series and pride on the line, and no more NBA Finals action to worry about, both the Penguins and the Red Wings were able to give it their all in Game 5. After Pittsburgh took an early two goal lead, Detroit came back and scored 3 times. A last-minute goal by Crosby tied the game and the two teams prepared for overtime.

Unfortunately, NBC was not prepared for overtime and ran Jay Leno in his usual spot, followed by Conan O'Brien, Carson Daly and several infomercials. Surprisingly, the two teams were still at it when NBC resumed airing 2008 Stanley Cup Finals around 4 in the morning, but by then even the most diehard hockey fans were fast asleep. It wasn't until reviewing their TiVo recordings the next day that the NHL was able to determine the winner. With the older Red Wings mostly asleep, the more youthful Penguins were able to sneak a goal past goalie Ozzy Osbourne at 4:01 AM EDT. Since the refs were also asleep by this time, nobody realized this and play continued. NHL officials (the same people behind Hockey Night in Canada, as it turns out) had to call the Red Wings bench on their cell and get them to stop playing.

Angered by the decision, Detroit Red Wings head coach Barry "Flip" Sanders resigned in protest. With no head coach and exhausted from sleep deprivation, the Wings seemingly assured Cup victory looked doubtful as the two teams headed back to Pittsburgh for Game 6.

Game 6: Ironic

With Sweeps at an end, the end of the series near and both teams tiring, NBC was sensing a ratings bonanza. 2008 Stanley Cup Finals was now reaching ratings almost as high as the networks typical summer replacement shows. In addition, the Red Wings had former captain Steve Yzerman behind the bench as a temporary replacement for Sanders, further increasing interest in the game.

With the Red Wings leading in a close contest, the Penguins Sidney Crosby apparently stopped a shot by Red Wings star forward Zorro. In an attempt to draw a whistle, Crosby tried to sit on the puck as if it were an egg. The strategy backfired as he accidentally waddled the puck into his own net, providing the winning margin the Wings needed. As Detroit celebrated the 3-2 win by holding one of its famous rave parties, Crosby sat, dejected and molting, in the Pittsburgh locker room.

Epilogue: Four Strong Wins

After an all-night celebration, Detroit's hockey fans gathered in Comerica Park, the city's famous green, leafy retreat by the riverfront, to congratulate their heroes. The city's popular mayor offered free beer for all, receiving wild applause from the crowd. Later, winning goaltender Ozzy Osbourne performed a set of techno accompanied by former Campaign! winner President Armand van Helden.

Although defeated, the Penguins were not forgotten by their home city of Pittsburgh. In recognition of their feat of twice defeating the mighty Wings, the city's zoo gave out half-off coupons to the penguinarium, and allowed kids 12 and under in for free.

But What About Global Warming?

Despite the fact that Versus (and for that matter NBC) are not the most watched networks on television, Canada's Premier reported that 2008 Stanley Cup Finals had netted the country over $273 (Canadian) to help promote global warming and fight the evil forces of Al Gore. The Premier then deftly avoided answering any questions about 2008 Stanley Cup Finals during Question Period.

About the Stanley Cup Trophy

The trophy for the event, the Stanley Cup, was donated to the Canadian government by Mr. Fred Stanley of British Ontario.